Disintegration
by tiltingaxis
Summary: All is fair in love and war. Right? Special Education, revisited.
1. Grazed Knees

**A/N: Reupload of my one-shots after watching Special Education. This is basically me trying to make sense of that hot mess. It was initially two separate fics, but I'm combining them both into one story because they're definitely parallel to one another. Angst alert!**

**Lyrics to Grazed Knees by Snow Patrol, Aftertaste by Ben Lee and Prague by Damien Rice.**

* * *

><p><em>"All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious." "<em>

-Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

* * *

><p><em>It's easier to lie, and be safe<em>

_Time and time again, I'm half stalled_

* * *

><p>It seemed like a good idea.<p>

It seemed like a_ great_ idea.

An eye for an eye.

All's fair in love and war.

Right?

(Wrong)

xxx

He didn't care. She stood in there choir room like an idiot, _waiting_ for him to say something. Nothing.

xxx

She waited in Miss Pillsbury's room, sat next to him as he asked her why she was so fixated on who it was.

Why?

_Why_, Finn?

Did it matter why? Did she have to explain herself? Did she have to tell him that Santana Lopez was hot and gorgeous and popular, unlike her, Rachel Berry, star in the making, resident loser? Did she have to spit it out word for word that he left her once, for_ that_ girl? He _broke_ her heart once, with _that_ girl?

Did it matter why, Finn?

She waited. She waited for an "I'm sorry", waited for a "please forgive me Rachel, I screwed up"." I love you Rachel, it meant nothing". She waited for _something_. He didn't say a word. Except that, yeah Santana (more like Satan, if she were less of a lady) was super hot. Yes. She knew that. Santana was super hot. Thank you, Finn. That was just what she needed.

She waited. She was so close to just slapping him in the face, but Miss Pillsbury said no, and it won't help anyway. Not really. Not when all she really wanted was for him to _fix_ this, to take her in his arms and crush her to his chest and say 'I'm sorry". "I love you". "_You're_ super hot Rachel".

But he didn't.

"Maybe you should storm out," Miss Pillsbury told her. She waited for him to say "Don't". One second. Two seconds.

Nothing.

She stood up, waited for him to say "Wait".

Nothing.

She walked out. She waited by the door. Waited for him to come out running, to come to his senses and run after her yelling "I'm sorry!", to try in his simple and inarticulate way to tell her why, to tell her "Don't go. Don't leave me please. I need you."

He didn't.

xxx

She went home and cried. She cried and cried and cried.

He called her ten times.

He stopped calling.

She waited for a text, waited for him to come, sneak into her bedroom with flowers and chocolate. She waited for him to stand outside her window, to break her glass with a pebble.

He didn't.

Did it mean something to him then? Is that why he wasn't beating down her door telling her otherwise? Santana was super hot. Was she more than that? Had he been lying? Is that why he was silent, because it did mean something?

_Don't be ridiculous_, she told herself. It meant nothing.

But he didn't say it meant nothing. He said he was afraid she'd get angry. Why? Because he lied? Or because it didn't mean nothing to him? Because it was _something_? Why couldn't he tell her it meant nothing?

Why didn't he?

Xxx

She waited for him to call the next morning.

He didn't.

She arrived at school, hoping to see him at her locker.

He wasn't.

She waited.

He didn't come.

xxx

Mr Schue yelled at her. She waited for him to come to her defence.

He didn't.

He tried to talk to her.

She shrugged him off.

(_Wait. Don't go. __**Fight **__for me_)

He walked away.

She followed him and saw her, saw _them_, in the hallway. She saw the way _she_ checked him out, saw the way he checked back.

"Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?" Super hot Santana whispered in her ear, her voice taunting, her voice_ ugly_.

She turned back to look at him.

He was gone.

xxx

"Are you okay?" Puck asked. _Puck_.

Why was he talking to her? What did he want? What else do they want from her? They took her solo, they took her star, they took Finn. What _else_?

"Why are you talking to me? Are you trying to steal something from me?"

Puck wasn't. He just wanted to see how she was doing. He wanted to help. That was when it came to her. That great (_horrible_) idea.

Payback right? Payback was fair.

Revenge.

He did it to her, lied to her, and he didn't seem to care at all. She'd make him care. She'd make him feel like she felt. Make him understand what he did. Puck was around. Puck wanted to help.

"Will you drive me home? I came with Finn, but in light of our recent dispute, I hardly think it wise to be in the same vicinity as him."

She_ lied of course. Her daddy had sent her this morning. But Puck didn't know that. He just shrugged his shoulders. He was being nice to her. She wanted Finn to be nice to her, but he disappeared. At least someone was._

_xxx_

She kissed him first. Of course she did.

He felt strange.

(_Wrong_)

She curled her fingers around his bicep and it was different.

(_Wrong_)

All's fair in love and war.

Right?

(_Wrong_)

He pulled away and the relief that washed over her was overwhelming.

"I did this to Finn once before, I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go."

He left her bedroom door open.

xxx

Oh God.

What was she thinking?

_What_ was she thinking?

What was she _thinking_?

xxx

She wasn't.

She wasn't thinking.

She wanted payback.

She wanted revenge.

An eye for an eye.

Right?

(Wrong. _So_ wrong.)

Xxx

She held her face in her hands, the cool curves of his name digging into the skin on her collarbone, burning her.

What had she done?

Xxx

He called her fifteen times.

She never picked up. She couldn't pick up.

Xxx

At eleven p.m., her phone lit up the darkness of her room. He sent her a text.

(I'm sorry. Please talk to me.)

She cried herself to sleep.

Xxx

Sectionals came. She was alone. She was alone because he was alone in the back of the bus, because she wouldn't talk to him. She couldn't face him. He didn't try to approach her.

She wished he did.

Xxx

They were arguing. Everybody knew? _Everybody_?

How could he do this to her?

How could he lie?

How could he sleep with _her_? With Santana Lopez?

What about what she did?

(_Guilty_)

She pushed that thought away. She threw a fit instead.

(_Guilty_)

Xxx

They win Sectionals. Okay, it was a tie, but they're going to Regionals and this was what she wanted, what they wanted.

She forgot herself, threw her arms around him. He reciprocated automatically, so naturally.

It had been days and she missed him.

She _missed_ him.

Xxx

"Are we part of something special? You and me?" He was smiling at her. She could never resist that smile. They were healing. They were coming back together.

"Yes."

"I love you," he told her. And she knew. She _knew _it all along. He loves her. What was she so afraid of? He loves her. He loves _her_. They love each other.

"No more lying," he continued. "Ever."

They love each other, right? She forgave him. He'll forgive her. Right? They'll cancel each other out.

(No they won't)

It's the same thing.

(It's different)

He slept with someone else.

(When they weren't together)

She kissed someone else.

(When they _were_ together)

It's the same thing. He said no more lies. She was going to come clean.

"There's something I have to tell you."

All's fair in love and war.

Right?

(Wrong)

* * *

><p><em>One giant leap of faith, is easy<em>

_When everyone you know, is so sure_


	2. Aftertaste

"_All men are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their steel toed boots, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious."_

_- Dead Men Don't wear Plaid, modified._

* * *

><p><em>And it's not my fault<em>

_Your love's like salt_

_The aftertaste _

_Is gonna break my heart_

* * *

><p>He waits.<p>

She sits next to him, completely still, like she's a stone or something, and Mr. Schue's talking about their set-list like it actually matters right now, like right at this moment when he thinks his whole life just fell apart, as long as their set-list is ready than everything will be okay.

Why is Santana such a bitch? _Why_? Why did she have to do that? In front of _everyone_?

This is so much worse than he could have ever dreamed of and he is so fucking terrified that he can't fucking move. Try. He reaches out and touches her shoulder. She tenses even more. She doesn't move at all. He lets go.

She's writing furiously on her notebook. She rips the paper apart and shoves it in his hand.

_Miss Pillsbury's office. At 3._

He really wishes they could talk alone instead, but she stalks out of class the moment Glee's over.

xxx

He waits.

He's sitting next to her, sitting in front of Miss Pillsbury, and he waits for the words to come.

They don't.

He wants to explain, he wants Miss Pillsbury to get lost, and he wants to tell her that he's sorry. It meant nothing. Worse than nothing. It made him feel empty. He wants to tell her that.

But all she keeps asking is why Santana. Like it matters who it was. It _doesn't_.

Miss Pillsbury says maybe they should sing about it. He could do that.

Only, where do you find a song about a guy sleeping with another girl to get over the girl he loves and make her jealous and then felt like shit about it because it meant _nothing_ and tried to forget it ever happened and then got the girl and lied to her about it because he didn't want to hurt her and because he just _wanted to forget it ever happened_?

He doesn't think there is an Eagle song for that.

She says she wants to slap him. That's going to hurt like a mother. But Miss Pillsbury's saying no, storm out instead. And she does. And he really doesn't know how that's supposed to be better.

Xxx

He tries to look for her at her locker but she's not there.

He calls her three times. She never picks.

_Baby please pick up. Please let me explain._

He wants to say that. He'll leave it in her voicemail. She always listens to her voicemails, even when it's just a beep and the sound of someone hanging up. So he waits for the voicemail.

"Hey Finn!" He looks up and there's a football flying towards him and he lets go of his phone to catch it before it hits his face.

He forgets to leave the voicemail.

Xxx

He calls her once every hour.

She doesn't pick up.

What should he do? Whatshouldhedowhatshouldhedo?

He gives up at 10 because she obviously doesn't want to speak to him.

He waits for tomorrow.

Xxx

He can't sleep.

It meant nothing. He'll tell her that. It made him feel horrible, it made him feel stupid. He was angry and he was hurt and he wanted to make her hurt, but it didn't work because it made him feel _nothing_.

God how was he supposed to tell her that?

Xxx

He wakes up late and when he runs to her locker, she's already gone.

So he waits for her in Glee. But she's late. It worries him because she's Rachel and she's never late.

She comes in with a tape over her mouth and his heart sinks a little because why does she do this? Why does she always make things _so _hard?

Mr Schue rips on her and he's too surprised to do anything. She looks at him pointedly when she says she's upset and it bugs him.

Because, how is he supposed to fix this when she won't answer his calls? How is he supposed to fix this when all she wants to know is why Santana? Because that's not why he lied, not because it was Santana. But she won't listen to him.

He waits until everyone leaves and turns to her.

"Rachel," he starts, but she's putting her stuff back in her bag, ignoring him. He walks slowly to where she's sitting, puts a hand on her shoulder. "Baby-"

She shrugs his hand away and looks at the ground determinedly and he snaps.

_Fine. Whatever._

He leaves.

Xxx

Why can't she see it doesn't _matter_? It _doesn't _matter. It could have been Santana, it could have been Quinn, it could have been Brittany. Hell, it could have Angelina Jolie or whoever, it still wouldn't have been _her_. That's what matters. Why can't she see that?

So it was Santana. So what? Why is that the only fucking thing she cares about?

He's frowning as he closes his locker and Santana walks by, looks at him like she's super hot, like she can go around going after any guy she wants.

_Fine Rachel. Fine._

He looks back, because hey, if Rachel wants to blame him for something that has absolutely nothing to do with why he lied, than at least let's make it true.

So he looks back.

Xxx

It makes him feel worse, makes him feel like a fucking douchebag.

_Why_ did he just do that?

What was he thinking?

He wasn't thinking.

He was pissed at Rachel and he did it just because he knew it would piss her off.

It was a good thing she wasn't around though, because he would have just made things so, _so_ much worse.

Xxx

He feels guilty. He feels like shit. _Well, it was a shitty thing to do Finn._

_What the hell were you thinking?_

Xxx

He calls her. He calls her and calls her and calls her.

Fifteen times.

She never, ever picks up.

She doesn't want to listen.

He kind of wishes she did slap him in Miss Pillsbury's office. Then maybe she would've calmed down and he could have explained.

He wishes she had just slapped him.

Xxx

I'm sorry. Please talk to me.

He stares at the message he's typed for ten minutes almost.

He wants to say more, but it feels wrong typing everything out in a stupid text.

He presses send.

Xxx

He sits in the back of the bus. She's way up front.

She won't even look at him.

What the hell?

Xxx

So he lied. He lied, he lied, he lied.

He lied.

_She_ lied too.

She lied to hurt him, to make him jealous.

He lied to protect her, because he didn't want to hurt her.

So why is_ he_ the bad guy?

Xxx

What the hell is going on?

Why the hell is everyone making things so much worse?

Why can't they just shut the_ fuck_ up?

Santana opens her mouth.

Nothing good ever happens when Santana opens damn her mouth.

_Fuck._

He's not the bad guy. He's _not_.

_He_ opens his mouth.

"When this all happened, you were dating another guy. You don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine, I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all!"

He sees the defiant look on her face, the disbelief that crosses over it and now she's yelling at him, asking him who he is.

Who is he?

He's the guy that's been _trying_ to tell her for the past week that it meant nothing to him. He could have if she'd just_ listen_ for once.

She didn't listen to him. She didn't hear what he meant.

xxx

But that was a great way to start the conversation Finn, really.

_Fuck _his life.

xxx

They're going to Regionals and that's awesome. But what's even _more _awesome is that she turns around to look at him, _finally_, and she throws her arms around him. And he_ misses _her. And he's pretty sure she's missing him too.

She pulls back, looks at him all awkwardly, and isn't that supposed to be his part, the awkwardness?

"We get to go on," he says, smiling at her because for the first time in this whole shitty week, he's not feeling like crap.

"Yeah," she says.

We get to go on.

_They_ get to go on, the two of them.

Hopefully.

Xxx

"Mercedes told me what happened," Kurt says. He turns to look at the boy witheringly. Why is Kurt suddenly so interested in him and Rachel?

"Mercedes is a blabbermouth," he mutters under his breath.

"That she is. I thought she knew Finn."

"Well, she didn't. And now she knows that everyone knew because Santana is the blabbermouth and Santana told everyone."

"I think she's waiting for a big gesture."

"Why do you care so much?"

"I'm seeing her in a new light." He turns to look at his step-brother in confusion. What did that mean?

"Just try it."

Xxx

A big gesture.

Yeah, he can do that.

He'll do it on Monday. He'll sit her down and tell her he loves her and tell her everything he feels, and he'll tell her how badly, really _really_ badly, he wishes that he could take it back, that he had saved it for her. Because it was special, and it should have been hers.

Yeah, he'll tell her that on Monday.

And he thinks she'll listen this time.

And they get to go on.

He waits.

Xxx

She comes up to him. She speaks first.

It's kind of pathetic, really, how happy he's feeling because of that.

Xxx

She talks about glee club being special, about Sectionals reminding her that she's a part of something special, and he thinks this is it. _This is your chance Finn. Do the big gesture._

"Are we a part of something special? You and me?" he asks, and he's smiling a little because he knows she'll say yes, because they totally were.

"Yes," she tells him quietly as she looks down. She looks back up at him and he knows this is it.

"I love you," he says, because he does. He loves her so, _so_ much. And she hugs him, and he's so glad, he's kind of so happy that he could cry, to be honest but that's totally stupid and he's not a girl so he doesn't.

"No more lies," he says firmly. "Ever."

He won't lie to her again. Never, ever because he knows now that lying to her had just hurt her, keeping things from her just hurt her more. And he won't do it again.

"There's something I need to tell you," she says and the look on her face kind of scares him right now. It's kind of freaking him out. She pulls him into an empty classroom and oh God, what if she tells him it's not enough? She looks scared. She looks terrified. Of him? What?

"Last week when we were fighting," she starts and she looks like she's about to cry and she's seriously freaking him out. "I was so mad at you, I was so hurt, that I- I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt."

What?

What's going on?

_Stop talking_, he wants to tell her. Just stop talking.

"I- I-," she looks like she's so close to crying and oh _God _he doesn't want to hear this. "I- Puck and I-"

She's still talking. She's talking and talking and talking and Oh God. Oh God. She's lying, right? She's lying, she just wants to hurt him so that he feels as bad as she did, even though he's been feeling horrible already, she didn't really-

She's not lying.

_She's not lying._

What is this, payback? Revenge?

What is this?

Puck.

_Puck_?

"I'm so sorry," she says, "It will never, ever happen again."

But it did happen.

It _happened._

He can't even-_ what_?

"I knew you were a lot of things Rachel," he says, for once knowing exactly what he wants to say. Maybe getting his heart broken into a million pieces is all that it takes for him to be articulate. "And I loved you because, and in spite of all of it. But I never thought you were mean."

"I'm saying that I'm sorry," she says quickly, like she's panicking "Doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?"

Is she fucking_ kidding _right now?

"We weren't together! I didn't cheat on you!"

_Puck_.

She made out with Puck.

She almost had_ sex_ with Puck.

"How could you do this to me?"

"It was a mistake! Maybe we should go to another counselling session with Miss Pillsbury-"

"You can't have couple's counselling if you're not a couple."

Did he just say that?

_Did he just say that_?

He's not thinking.

He can't think.

"You're breaking up with me?"

"What you did was really bad Rachel! And you _knew_ how sensitive I'd be with this after what happened with Quinn."

He can't- he can't look at her right now. He can't. God. _Puck_? He turns away. He needs to walk away, because he's _this_ close to losing his shit right now. He can't- he _can't_.

"You said you'd never break up with me!" she yells at his back, her voice hysterical. He can't do this. Oh God, he can't do this. Why? How could she do this? Why would she hurt him like this? And it _hurts._ It _fucking _hurts. He turns to look at her, and God he hates her right now. He _hates _her.

"I never thought you'd make me _feel _like this."

He needs to leave. He needs to. He can't be here.

So much for the grand gesture.

Xxx

He loves her

He _loved_ her.

He loved her so _much_, he loved her more than he's ever loved anything.

Love isn't supposed to hurt like this, isn't supposed to make him feel like this, like his heart just got stamped on, like it's broken and battered and _dead_.

She wanted to hurt him.

She _wanted_ to.

And she chose _Puck_?

_Fucking Puck._

_Rachel fucking Puck._

_Rachel and Puck fucking._

_Would you have done it, Rach?_

_Would you have fucked him?_

_Do you feel better now? We're even, right? _

_We're even now._

_We're nothing._

* * *

><p><em>I could wait for you<em>

_Like that hole in your boot_

_Waiting to be fixed_

_What good would that do?_

_But to leave me pricked_

_Cheers darlin'_

_Here's to you and your lover_

_Darlin'_


End file.
